Family Values

M and I had our first ‘go’ last week… I waited overhead in my bedroom, then we had a slightly awkward exchange of specimen jar at the bottom of the stairs. I peeked around the curtain to see his boyfriend J rolling camera, capturing our nervous hug and my giggled ‘thanks for this very special gift!’.

I think, unconsciously, I was hoping that filming the event (or parts of!) would provide ritual that would somehow reveal to us how we were supposed to act… but it was one of those situations, unlike just about any other I can think of, where we had absolutely no frame of reference… nothing to go by…

Even when I had sex for the first time (both gay and straight!) I had some idea of how to act… a combination of friends whispered confessions; descriptions in teen novels; stolen glimpses of pornos and of course Hollywood - muddled influences no doubt, but at least they served as reference points for someone else’s idea of a ‘code of conduct’… this, however, was just bizarre.

The second night was easier… we watched TV and talked politics. With the one night safely behind us and a new ritual established, I had a shower and was casually scrolling through e:mails when I heard M at the bottom of the stairs, sotto vocce… ‘Psst! It’s ready…’

So now we wait, we wait, for a very important date... and I mull over the fine points of difference between this and a slightly more romantic (and sexual!) encounter. I was surprised at first when I heard somebody else observe 'you guys really do love one another don’t you?’

I cringed a bit, hearing ‘lesbian lesson 101′ echo in my head (thou shalt not pass for straight… something about eating cake and heterosexual privilege?!)

… and now, slowly, I’ve come to terms with it. It’s not scary anymore… unconventional maybe, and not without it’s emotional risks, but tell me something worth having that doesn’t lay a claim on the heart?

Endless discussion has affirmed M and I are on the same page… writing a new story, inventing a new ‘family’… and waiting…

haven’t posted for quite a while
been feeling thwarted; frustrated…
so many ‘negotiations’ to make a baby
a roller-coaster ride
trying to convince each would-be actor
to take a role in the family I’m writing
our story to tell
and always
a world to change

still, bit by bit, there’s action…
not urgent, but inevitable?

next week M & I will be having our first try...
a 'tryst' defined by contracts
blood tests, couriers
and of course, the inevitable 'before' and 'after' interview ; )

to my blood ties - notice has been served of my intentions
and invitations issued

my cautious, conservative christian clan
open-minded
but struggling to come to terms with
bridging the gap between
moral convictions and social reality
a conversation started, to be continued…

R has take on Mum’s conversion
I overhear her chirruping
‘when we have our baby will you help with…?’
insert A to Z tasks, all involving baby ‘cuteness’
She mentioned just this morning
‘I haven’t asked Grampy yet
whether he’d mind having another grandchild…
but I intend to…‘

Is she 6 or 60?

My reluctant X who, after all, has heard
all my inspirational 'let's be a family' dreams before
he witnessed the crash and burn
now I must persuade him
the possibility of new growth from ashes
this will have an impact on our daughter, and you will always be her Dad…
therefore, in some weird way
you too are part of this new journey
you could choose to enjoy the ride…
or keep fighting fires…