love and waiting
M and I had our first ‘go’ last week… I waited overhead in my bedroom, then we had a slightly awkward exchange of specimen jar at the bottom of the stairs. I peeked around the curtain to see his boyfriend J rolling camera, capturing our nervous hug and my giggled ‘thanks for this very special gift!’.
I think, unconsciously, I was hoping that filming the event (or parts of!) would provide ritual that would somehow reveal to us how we were supposed to act… but it was one of those situations, unlike just about any other I can think of, where we had absolutely no frame of reference… nothing to go by…
Even when I had sex for the first time (both gay and straight!) I had some idea of how to act… a combination of friends whispered confessions; descriptions in teen novels; stolen glimpses of pornos and of course Hollywood - muddled influences no doubt, but at least they served as reference points for someone else’s idea of a ‘code of conduct’… this, however, was just bizarre.
The second night was easier… we watched TV and talked politics. With the one night safely behind us and a new ritual established, I had a shower and was casually scrolling through e:mails when I heard M at the bottom of the stairs, sotto vocce… ‘Psst! It’s ready…’
So now we wait, we wait, for a very important date... and I mull over the fine points of difference between this and a slightly more romantic (and sexual!) encounter. I was surprised at first when I heard somebody else observe 'you guys really do love one another don’t you?’
I cringed a bit, hearing ‘lesbian lesson 101′ echo in my head (thou shalt not pass for straight… something about eating cake and heterosexual privilege?!)
… and now, slowly, I’ve come to terms with it. It’s not scary anymore… unconventional maybe, and not without it’s emotional risks, but tell me something worth having that doesn’t lay a claim on the heart?
Endless discussion has affirmed M and I are on the same page… writing a new story, inventing a new ‘family’… and waiting…
September 21st, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Hey there! Great post, and now you’re on the 2ww. You have a lovely way with words….
I’m on my own 2-3ww (due to erratic cycles). My donors and I also experienced this awkwardness, especially the first time. We’ve done 4 inseminations now, and it’s become more natural every time. Now we wait to see whether they bear fruit. Hope so!