long overdue
I must admit that I’m surprised by the number of people who’ve chastised me about my lack of regular blog updates - it’s really nice to know people care and I have no REAL excuse …but, in my defence, it has been a busy couple of months ; ) Trying to get my family and local community to a place where they will be ‘OK’ with this baby-to-be…
First of all, and most importantly I AM STILL PREGNANT!
14 weeks to be precise. After debating pros and cons for a little while I've decided to employ an independent midwife (the gorgeous Lisa!) and prepare for a homebirth. To be honest, my biggest concerns were about how I could persuade friends and family that this was a safe and sensible option (especially given that Rosie was born by caesar). I did some ‘defensive’ research, before finally experiencing a ‘lightbulb’ moment… ‘It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks because this is my decision!’. It’s very liberating to remember that, this time, I get to do it all on my terms… Scary too, because, by nature I’m a ‘consult and collaborate’ kind of person… and I still keep coming up against this desperate need, deep within, to be liked, accepted, approved of… which leads me to the next part of my tale…
An unfortunate disagreement
A few weeks after telling my family that I was finally pregnant, I made a date to go and have a chat with my sister about it all (on camera, inevitably). Her boys are often here at Mum and Dad’s (in the other half of the house) and I’d been trying to avoid contact between Rosie and them because I figured Rosie, in her excitement, would blurt the news… Out of respect for J&G I thought they should have the first opportunity to explain to their kids (in whatever manner they saw fit) so I was wanting to know when and how they were going to tell.
Turns out they already had, and that the news was received without so much as a raised eyebrow (apparently the next question after the announcement was ‘Could you pass the sauce please?). We laughed together and I was relieved… however as the conversation unfolded I realised all was not well…
J admitted they do limit contact between me and the boys ‘for fear of what I might say’. I was shocked! I asked what I could possibly say that could damage them in any way? I admitted my new resolve to live more openly and honestly could mean that, if it came up, I WOULD acknowledge that I am ‘gay’ and that our new baby was conceived with the help of a sperm donor. Is that a problem? Apparently so…
Things started to get a bit heated at about this point and I said I didn't think that they were really demonstrating tolerance, let alone love. She disagrees.
I'm struggling here, because in saying to their kids ‘Aunty Son is choosing to have a baby outside marriage, but WE don’t think that’s what God wants for US’, they’re clearly making me wrong and them right. Not great for me, Rosie or the new baby…
I asked whether they would ever consider coming to see a Pastor of a same-sex friendly parish with me, hoping that they might see that it IS possible to reconcile Christian Faith with acceptance of diverse sexualities. She was disdainful: ‘We would NEVER go and see a HOMOSEXUAL Pastor!’. We agreed to disagree and both committed to ‘trying to make it work’… but I must admit that I walked away from this encounter wondering whether, we as an extended family, are really are going to ‘make it’.
I mean, god forbid, what would happen if I actually had a girlfriend? Obviously we wouldn’t be welcome at family events… and I wonder whether a ‘do not cross’ line would be drawn between Mum’s house and mine (difficult when we’re under the same roof and the boys are drawn magnetically to my backyard and Rosie’s cubby-house).
You’ll go to Hell!
As a kind of epilogue to this story: Rosie, the boys and I are sitting down at Mum and Dad’s table to share the weekend favourite, ‘chicken and chips’. The middle cousin (nearly 5) says Rosie has to pray before eating and I respond (quietly, calmly) that she doesn’t. ‘How come?’. ‘Because we don’t believe in God’. Quick as a flash: ‘You’ll go to hell!’.
What can one say, other than (gritted teeth): ‘Actually, WE don’t believe in hell’?
Wins and Losses
Rosie’s class were doing a unit on ‘families’ and it was an opportunity I couldn’t resist. I plucked up my courage and made an appointment with the Principal and Vice-Principal. To my delight they were happy to include the ‘Rainbow Family Readers’ http://www.hotkey.net.au/~learn_to_include/ as part of a curriculum inclusive of diverse family structures.
Of course, I HAD to push it a bit more and asked if they’d allow us to film a little scene of me reading the books to the kids. The Principal cleared it with the Department of Education and we agreed that the easiest approach would be for me to ’shoulder tap’ a couple of sympathetic parents, and get permission for their kids to be involved in a small ’set-up’ group for filming. This meant phone calls, written notes and laborious explanations - I chose people I thought of as friends even if I wasn’t entirely ‘out’ to them all. It wasn’t an easy week, explaining it all over and over, unsure of the reaction at the other end of the phone.
To my horror I had 3 ‘no thanks’ out of 11. One dad said ‘it doesn’t sit well with our personal values’. Another rang the school to ask why they weren’t informed that ‘these materials’ were being utilised in the classroom without parents being notified. The Principal backed me up and put the whole thing in context (I wasn’t going to be discussing procreation and conception just re-reading age-appropriate picture books that were part of a diverse and inclusive curriculum).
Some would say 3 negatives was actually pretty good (and I DID get lots of positive feedback: ‘Good on you! I think what you’re doing is great!) but I have to emphasise that I had thought of ALL of these people as my friends - I didn’t even approach those that I thought might be a little more on the ‘conservative’ end of the spectrum! It felt like a kick in the guts at the time… but it was also another ‘call to action!’
That’s so Gay!
I set off for a conference in Sydney, called ‘That’s so Gay! : addressing homophobia and celebrating diversity in educational settings’. We filmed a stack of interviews and I got to meet Vicki, Brenna and Jackie, the family behind the Rainbow Family readers and the more recent ‘Playschool Fiasco’. For those that don’t remember: a few years ago there was an innocuous ‘through the widow’ segment on ‘Playschool’ that generated a huge media backlash and national moral panic.
Vicki and Jackie were filmed taking Brenna and her friend to a fun-fair. Brenna’s voice-over announced ‘This is me and my 2 mums’… In response John Howard denounced the ABC for pushing gay agendas onto children. Affrica Taylor spoke at the conference giving an excellent keynote analysis of this incident and others in which the innocence of children is foregrounded in order to disguise and generate homophobic hysteria.
I was utterly inspired by the commitment and courage of so many educators, students, parents, activists and policy-makers… maybe there IS a possibility of weeding out insidious homophobia, roots and all… imagine my chagrine (and I must admit, amusement) when the headline in the Daily Tele the next day trumpets ‘Mum and Gay Ban - gay bid to change behaviour in class’. The push of the article framed the NSW Director-General of Education, Michael Coutts-Trotter as leader of a campaign to suppress usage of terms like ‘boyfriend’, ‘girlfriend’, ‘mum’, ‘dad’ in favour of the more gender neutral ‘partner’ and ‘parent’.
Never have I been so closely involved with something so distorted by spin… NOTHING along these lines was ever said… and more to the point, if the journo had actually attended the conference, he would have had time to reflect upon the homophobic impact of running such hysterical smear-campaigns… Guess he must have missed the speakers who elaborated on the high numbers of ’same-sex attracted’ youth experiencing depression, homelessness, drug abuse and suicide attempts.
So that's about all for now... the photos are from a Pink Parents camping trip at McLaren Vale recently. Fairy Godparent Claire gives Rosie a skating lesson... There's something about the 'gearing up for battle' that I empathise with... And, no matter how many times she stumbles and falls, Rosie's tenacity inspires me... I share her triumph when she succeeds.
Yay! for our little queer family, bring it on!
And BTW, the doco is going to be called
‘Bent Not Broken’…
April 29th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
Hey you,
What a busy few weeks it’s been, hey? Unfortunately, I think the journos and editors responsible do know better, but they also think fear sells and that’s their bottom line.
I’ve been looking at lots of photos of a coworker’s new grandson today, grinning like a fool, gushing about my own situation, and generally getting very excited.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:26 am
The world is changing, there are those that try to halt it but more and more are supporting equality.
‘Bring it on’ indeed!!
Love ya Son, Rosie and little one to come. MWA!
April 30th, 2008 at 7:26 am
Another great read Sonja.
I’ve got to admit 3 negative responses from your otherwise friendly control group isn’t too bad. The same question to my classroom’s parents would have generated a 96% negative and possibly hostile reaction.
In fact, today is the first day I actually needed to deal specifically with homophobia in the classroom. I’ve let numerous gibes and insults go unchecked this year as my 7th grade class come to grips with the power of words and their possible detrimental effects. Children use homophobic name-calling at first when they often have no clear understanding of what exactly it is or isn’t that they are belittling their victim with, so it’s often pointless correcting them when they haven’t the most basic understanding of what they are talking about.
However, after several months of enduring a steady rise in ‘you’re gay’, ‘you’re a fag’, ‘that’s gay’ ad nauseum, I finally gave the classroom a swift talking to this morning. It went down well as one student blurted out that her mum’s two best friends were gay - not exactly an every day revelation in conservative Turkey. Nicely for the entire class, the student who backed me up happens to be the most popular and influential in her Year, so I’m hoping that her approval will put an end to ‘gay’ as a term of abuse in the classroom.
Of course, it’s a small step in a culture in which homosexuality is about as welcome as a drag queen at a bricklayers’ barbeque, but it is an improvement.
I admire your willingness to undertake any project requiring contact with administration of the Dept of Education. I look forward to another update soon… take good care of yourselves.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Hi James,
So great to hear from you! I wish you’d had the opportunity to be at the ‘That’s so Gay!’ conference in Sydney a couple of weeks ago… it would have provided you with the same inspiration as it did me!
J and I were just talking the other day about the likelihood of you ever returning to Australia and whether the prospect of having babies would lure you back?
Socially and legally things ARE getting better here (with Federal Attorney General Robert McClelland announcing yesterday that the Rudd Government intends to address the 100 or so areas of federal law that currently discriminate against same-sex individuals, couples and families… )
You’d be a great dad AND we need more teachers like you here too!
Congratulations on taking a stand against homophobia in Turkey… that must have felt like a significant personal risk, so WELL DONE XX
May 3rd, 2008 at 4:52 pm
What a fantastic read and a great insight into a beautiful and colourful woman.
May 4th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Hey Son
I can hear your pain here, so I know how incredibly brave you are in continuing to engage with these people who disappoint and even betray you. I think it’s people like you, far more than all the political activism, that will actually bring the most change for queer people in this country. We can change all the laws we want, but it’s this personal challenge to people’s misinformed prejudices that will bring meaningul and lasting change. Just think, if you weren’t there being honest and testing people’s attitudes, they would be able to go on complacently seeing themselves as ‘tolerant’ and indoctrinating their children, rather than being forced to face their prejudice and discriminatory and hypocritical behaviour. You and Rosie, and now this wonderful new life, are the real change agents, and we all owe you a debt of gratitude. Stay strong, and unique, and your own precious selves.
much love
Sue Kentlyn
May 4th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Hi Sue,
Thanks so much for your words of support - they made my day… possibly week and even longer! It’s one of the unexpected benefits of baring your soul in a blog - the voices of support from community really help me feel like this is not a path I need to tread alone!
Hope you are well,
Sonja
May 15th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Go homebirth! Particularly after previous surgery! Wishing you a beautiful birth and a lovely pregnancy journey as you travel towards meeting your baby in the way you both deserve. Best wishes, Janet.
June 24th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Hi Sonja,
A great read. I commend you on your courage and I hope this experience makes your family all the more stronger.
There are gay people i regularly work with, who are fortunate to have supportive families, but I had no idea the extent of the difficulties that gay people have to through in doing even the most pedestrian of things in life that many take for granted - like getting involved in your child’s school!
My mother who is a psychologist told me recently that same-sex relationships can be among the most unstable. I imagine not being able to live openly and having to defend all sorts of things plays a part.
I recently caught up with a dear friend of mine from high school whom i suspect is gay. They haven’t told me openly, but upon wisting their home recently there was a lot of compelling evidence that they were a bit more intimate with their housemate. It’s difficult for this friend to come out. their father is ultra conservative (in high school their household TV was electronically locked). They had a brother who was quite sensitive and progressive, but when their mother died, he went crazy and only got better through religion. so no go there. it wouldn’t surprise me if this friend has neither told their brother nor father about their sexuality. that’s not something easy to live with. after reading this, i’m not entirely sure being open is all that much easier.
with stats like 3/11, i’m not sure if that’s good or not. prejudice can still be potent irrespective of the quantity it comes in.
good luck, and I look forward to reading more. Best wishes, H
July 29th, 2008 at 8:33 am
Just letting you know I’m patiently waiting for the next installment…Not that I’m trying to pressure you or anything lol. I know you’re a busy woman and blogging can come way down on the priority list