puppet show
The belly is swelling and, at 27 weeks now, R can finally feel the baby kicking 'from the outside'. She's very excited about the prospect of having a little brother and adds new names to the list almost every day... the latest is 'Cous-Cous' which, even she accepts, may be best reserved for special nick-name status.
The ultrasound (at around 22 weeks) was an exciting turning point for all of us. M and R both attended and I'm sure we looked just like every other excited nuclear family. However, the presence of the inevitable video camera gave me license to explain that we wanted to film because 'our family is a little different‘. Nobody cared much but it was important to me that M wasn’t addressed as ‘my husband’ and we all got to be true to our happy selves.
The baby put on a good show, especially in response to R blowing raspberries on my belly, and we saw lots of kicking and stretching action. The sonographer was thorough in checking out the baby’s brain, hoping to eliminate ‘macrocephalus’ which R was born with; a ‘birth defect’ that led to brain surgery at 8 days old and a prognosis of ’severe disability’… fortunately they were overly pessimistic and R is as ‘normal’ as can be!
All seems well with the new bundle... but, let's face it, despite professing not to care, it was an interpretation of what's between the legs that everyone was awaiting with bated breath... And when we finally got a flash of his little willy... we were all delighted! R stated this is because ‘Well I’m a tom-boy… and anyway, boys are just more interesting!‘.
I was pleased because, even though I know it’s all going to be different this time around, ‘boy’ is like a definitive line in the sand. Henceforth, nothing will be the same. Obviously, despite my ongoing railing against ‘biological essentialism’, deep down I must think that parenting a boy will provide new challenges to those I’ve faced with a girl… surely the difference is mostly in the social construction of gender… and the individual personality of each child? That’s what I’d like to believe but I guess we’ll see ; )
Over the last few months I've been having lots of discussions with fairy godparents around 'expectations'. Some of it has been very confronting and hard to hear. A close friend put it something like this: ‘It’s not exactly ‘what’s in it for me?’ but I need to know exactly what you expect and what you’re thinking you’ll give in return… friendship is a two way street you know…’ Further digging revealed, whilst I thought I was making a generous and open-hearted invitation to be part of our family, others had interpreted this as typical of me ‘looking out for myself’. The worst character description was ’self-consumed’… which really stung.
This launched me upon a long period of soul-searching and reflection. Obviously ’self-consumed’ is a criticism that could be levelled at anyone with a BLOG (I mean, really, posting your diary entries in a public space? What makes you think anyone actually cares?). But I started thinking… fundamentally, at the end of the day, aren’t we all motivated primarily by selfish hopes, dreams and desires? Even when we think we’re being generous there’s obviously something in it for us… that warm-fuzzy feeling? Isn’t that a self-sustaining pay-off?
And what’s the difference between being self-reliant (read ’selfish’) and independent? We pay lip service to the importance of ‘looking after ourselves’ and ‘knowing when to ask for help’ but it seems, underneath it all, that might be a bad thing. Then I started thinking maybe it’s about balance… about how much one gives back. I have this notion of myself as being a loyal and good friend… sure, there are times when I take on too many commitments and am not around as often as I maybe should be… but I’m still passionate, ‘in the moment’ and honest, right?
Sometimes, after negotiating the emotional tight-ropes of relationships with daughter, angry-ex, unwell mum, and disapproving sister… I don’t feel like spending the hour between getting child to bed and collapsing into bed myself, making ‘how’re you going’ phone calls. Sometimes I consider myself lucky to strike a balance between ‘working to pay the rent’ and getting the dishes done and clothes washed… When I start making lists of what I’m responsible for I start hearing a familiar little bleating refrain… ‘I’m a single mum… no-one looks after my emotional needs… at least you lot have got someone to give you a snuggle at night!’.
I refuse to feel sorry for myself because this is the path I’ve chosen… but I guess I kind of assumed maybe the rest of the world would cut me a bit of slack. Especially my fairy godparents… #$%^!$!! How much worse is it going to be when I add a sleepless baby to the juggle. Now I’m thinking twice before asking anyone for any kind of support… it’s not exactly the utopian ideal I undertook in constructing the perfect ‘happy family’.
A naive awakening… everyone has expectations and the more people you add to the mix, the more people you need to discuss these expectations with. I thought the only good thing about being single was being unfettered by melodrama… Hmmph!
It seems there’s always strings attached but I guess, at the end of the day, despite everything, it’s a puppet show worth dancing in…
July 31st, 2008 at 4:33 am
Im really sorry to hear that you have experiencing such a lack of support
As far as Im concerned the “whats in it for me” type of attitude has no place during pregnancy. Personally I believe the role of a friend is to support and nurture their pregnant friend. That support shouldn’t be offered with the expectation that something specific should be offered in return. When you give someone the opportunity to play an important role in welcoming your child earthside you give them the greatest gift of all. You deserve to be supported, loved and nurtured unconditionally like the pregnant Goddess you are! Sounds like you need a Placenta Posse 
I know of a really good one if you ever need it 
Absolutely gorgeous pics by the way!!
October 8th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Congrat.s on your pregnancy! I’m sorry people aren’t coming through for you. I hope things have gotten better in that regard since you wrote this entry.
February 13th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Enjoying your blog, just started reading.
Sadly our society in Australia, does not encourage community. It’s a beautiful place, but most people haven’t got the time and energy to care. It’s like the childhood mantra “I don’t care” has become a lifelong one. Try not to take it personally, care for yourself, and teach your children to care.
It seems to me that the gender thing becomes a big deal if you watch lots of telly. It educates early on, what boys do, and what girls do. No idea if you own, or watch TV but I’d give it up, if your concerned about gender stereotypes. We haven’t had a tv since my DD was 4 and my second DS was 2. Now they are 9 and 7 respectively, and my son is less concerned by the stereotypes than my daughter, and they are both aware that it is something other people and advertising impose on them.
Enjoy your lovely family!