Family Values

Damien’s blurb:
As a family of two men and two boys, it often seems that people presume it to be axiomatic that we will describe how our family came into being. Yet to us this is most often a redundant question - we know who we are and how we relate to each other. This digidoc captures the complexities of our conception story in subtle ways that render our family visible for us to see, whilst not necessarily telling all of the story that other people might like to see. As such, it celebrates our family in a public way, whilst retaining the privacy that we wish and need.

Damien is an author, academic and the editor of ‘Gay & Lesbian Issues and Psychology Review’. Volume 3 is a special issue on Parenting, family issues and heteronormativity. Download at:
http://www.groups.psychology.org.au/glip/glip_review

He has also recently released a book ‘Becoming Parent : Lesbians Gay Men and Family’. More info at:
http://www.postpressed.com.au/academic/parenting.html

Tanya’s blurb: The piece I made was intended for myself, my partner, my two daughters and my unborn child. It was therapeutic in its creation. A thrilling, exhilarating creative discovery of self expression.
Titled Perpetual Vision, it depicts my life’s journey in trying to conceive and successfully give birth to my biological child.
The feedback from making this has been HUGE! What’s more important to me has been my self development… I can’t recommend this expression of creative FREEDOM enough!

As you can gather, Tanya has become an inspired spokesperson for the digital-storytelling process… not only was it therapeutic in the making, when she’s shown her piece to family and friends, it has opened up a space for meaningful communication and profound sharing of each other’s life experiences.
In a similar vein, there’s currently a letter writing campaign being conducted in Victoria, aimed at motivating media, politicians and power brokers to take up the sweeping reforms recommended by the Victorian Law Reform Commission… (see ‘Love makes a Family’ link on the rhs of this page). I understand the experience has been empowering for all involved - asking child-care workers, grandparents, straight friends etc. to advocate for our families not only helps make us visible and valued… it strengthens our ties with the wider community, giving all of us the sense of connection we so sorely crave…

Witnessing the profound impact we each, individually, have the capacity to make is keeping me motivated! Soldiering on with development of the ‘Family Values’ project, both the digital storytelling component and the doco…

On less philosophical, more practical matters FEAST is hosting a forum in Adelaide this weekend… I’ll be speaking!

Getting In The Family Way
Want to have a baby? Be a parent? Thinking of fostering, co parenting, donating sperm, being part of a family with children? More and more of us are planning to have children and it does take planning! This Forum takes a practical look at what’s involved.
A panel of queer parents share info and experiences on getting pregnant, accessing fertility clinics, DIY, donors, fostering, donor involvement, being a gay Dad, single and non biological parenting, financial and legal issues, dealing with peoples reactions, support services in SA.

Sat 14 July 2 -3.30pm Caos Café 188 Hindley St. or more info at www.feast.org.au
Technorati Profile

So much has happened since I last posted that I’m going to summarise, in no particular order…

- went to Melbourne for Rainbow Families Symposium… got very inspired by all the well-informed, articulate, politically motivated and absolutely committed parents and researchers… now very able to respond to right wing ‘concerns’ over our families with responses informed by academic studies!
- in an effort to ‘gather data’ on ovulation, had 6 blood tests in 7 days… and have track marks to show for it. So weird how someone with my history of ‘experimentation’ should end up so surrounded by needles… at least the acupuncture is going well… - spent a lot of time negotiating with donors, both 'new' and 'old'... and couldn't post on the discussions until I'd cleared everything with both; kind of an ethical responsibility. Up shot is I'm electing to proceed with a very old friend who has an emotional commitment as opposed to the more ‘political commitment’ of my second donor (who will still be a ‘fairy god-parent’). This scenario has got ‘potential complications’ written all over it, and yet it ‘feels right’. I wonder again whether I am in fact a romantic fool in disguise as a cynic?
- dealing with family court phobias in further ongoing mediation. Made the very great leap (due acknowledgments - inspired by some self-development a la ‘Landmark Education’) to forgive ex for the way he’s been treating me… now moving on to possibilities of a more generous and confident/powerful relationship with him. Haven’t told Lawyer yet and am anticipating lots of muttering/tutt-tutting/howls of contemptuous laughter…
- can honestly say I feel liberated by the new ‘be true to thyself’ philosophy… can say/do/post anything and know that, whatever the criticism, I’ll be reconciled with me… realised how much of my life I’ve lived in fear of ‘bad mother/daughter/friend/filmmaker’ accusations… - got friends to lop off my hair on a camping trip... now I look more like the baby-dyke I feel like on the inside... don't appearances have a weird and wacky impact on identity? Meanwhile I finally turned 37 ;-/
- got some funding for the development of the doco/on-line project… not quite as much as we asked for, but a positive endorsement nevertheless and I’ll be able to pay a few people a little for all their labours on the project thus far…
- to come… lots of the digital storytelling participants are happy to upload their pieces so I’ll be posting them over the next couple of weeks - if you register for updates you won’t have to keep checking or wait for my e:mail reminders ; )
- thanks for comments and feedback from both public and private respondents… still curious as to why some of you have chosen to e:mail me privately with general thoughts that other readers may have enjoyed sharing… does anyone have any ideas on further on-line community building strategies we may like to consider if we get to go ahead and build the large scale ‘family tree’ site?

This is the piece I made for my sister during the digital storytelling workshop. When I showed Mum she cried… select quotes include “This is dynamite!” and “It could tear the family apart!” She said she was worried about the fact that people were identifiable (so I’ve blurred their faces) but she didn’t once address the content. I didn’t really get anywhere in defusing the situation and we finished with Mum saying “Well how did you expect me to react?” I said “I hoped you would be proud… I’m trying to start a positive discussion about it all… to mend some bridges…”

I was terrified about screening it for my sister and it was hard to find a time when the kids weren’t interuppting. I told her about the whole ‘pregnancy quest’ and doco stuff and tried to contextualise Mum’s reaction. Then I showed her everyone else’s piece…
When I finally I showed her mine, she cried… we hugged… she said she was sorry and that she’d had no idea that she’d hurt me. We agreed to ‘find a way to talk to the kids about it…’ That’s the last line in my piece and hopefully the first line in our families ongoing dialogue…

I still feel uncomfortable about being so brutally honest with them in a public space… I wonder how I’d feel if the tables were turned? I’d want the right to respond, but hopefully I’d accept the subjective emotional truth of what was being said. Isn’t that how the healing begins?

Has anyone else experienced stuff like this? How did you/they process it? Does putting it out there - in conversation with friends or in a social context on-line - make it better or worse?

We’ve finished our first digital storytelling workshop! The six pieces we produced are quite extraordinary… there’s a rawness and honesty about them that brings a tear to the eye and, collectively, they have an impact that is even greater than their parts.

The process was quite agonising for the storytellers… exacerbated by the fact that I insisted on documenting the whole journey… Imagine… you’re puzzling through how best to storyboard and script complex ideas and emotions… and you glance up to find a lens trained on you and a boom-pole hanging over your head! Aagh!

Whilst I hate being on camera it's something I've kind of gotten used to (after all I have no-one other than myself to blame!) In my head I had justified the whole extravaganza as a necessary evil.

If we want acceptance of our stories we have to make ourselves visible, right?

Within the stories themselves a theme gradually emerged about how lack of social acceptance causes our families to BECOME INVISIBLE. We want recognition, validation, equality… but why do we have to put ourselves in the spotlight to achieve this?

Several storytellers chose not to label themselves as 'lesbian mum' or 'foster parent' or ‘rainbow family’. After all, other families don't need to carefully select words (or pictures) to identify themselves... Maybe we need to reappropriate In/Visibility?

I realised most of the digi-docs ended up being told without actually identifying all the key players in each story. Various people chose not to be seen (ramifications at work; legal requirements imposed by the foster-care system; a desire to protect your family’s privacy… and of course ’shyness’!) Instead we utilised kids drawings, blurred photos, abstract representations of states of mind… Sometimes what was not said (or shown) was just as important as what was… I was reminded of film theory 101 - ELLIPSIS.

I guess, at the end of the day, it’s about having the power to frame your own reality, whether you’re gay or straight, five years old or sixty five… Bugger ‘difference’ or ’sameness’ - shouldn’t we all have the right to tell our own stories, emphasising the points that are most important to us… showing what we want to reveal?

Isn't it interesting how short digital docos viewed in a virtual-community-web-space grant us the power to do this? This is the stuff that really excites me… (see ‘getting interactive’ for a description of our prospective ‘rainbow family tree’) So crossing fingers, knees and toes that we’re successful in one or two of our many submissions to funding agencies and broadcasters over the last couple of months…

And, BTW… hope to post some of the digital stories from the workshop shortly…

WHO AM I?

Have been pondering the nature of blogging… In my view it’s unadulterated narcissism.

Definition:‘Excessive self-admiration and self-centredness… and an excessive need for admiration’.

Pretty negative? And yet something a whole generation of people raised with ‘digital diaries’ have absolutely zero problem with…

A Wikipedia search for defining characteristics of Gen Y speaks of “lack of privacy; expectation of speaking to an audience even in personal communication; and a familiarity with harsh, anonymous criticism”.1

Maybe they’re onto something? I’ve always struggled with wanting to be liked… wanting to fit… and defining myself according to whom I’m with.

The self-synopsis on the ‘Family Values’ splash page is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write… and I could only pull it off by imagining myself as a ‘character’.

And yet something weird happens when you hit ‘submit’, and send your personal musings out into the ether for public consumption… you start to own yourself… and stop worrying what other people might think… It’s pretty damn obvious that you can’t control that anyway…

So maybe it’s helping me grow into the space inside my skin… it would be kind of cool if I could learn to be myself (whomever that may be? do I care?) before I conceive…

Quest update: I seem to have completely missed a period and yet I’m not pregnant. I have an appointment with a well-regarded GP (has helped other lez friends fall pregnant!) and I’m trying not to stress… and I’m wondering whether I may end up finding my way through one of the ‘loop-holes’ that sometimes allow single queer women to access reproductive services in SA.

More importantly: We start the first of the digital storytelling workshops this weekend with a fantastic group of participants and team of facilitators. Soon we’ll have some 2 minute long digital prototypes for the rainbow family tree!

I’m polishing up that spiel about delving into self-analysis being empowering for the soul! Reclaiming narcissism as we speak!

1. New York Magazine. “Kids, the Internet, and the End of Privacy: The Greatest Generation Gap Since Rock and Roll” 12 February 2007

Transcribing an interview with Dad last night… When I first told him I’d like to have another child he said he was ‘underwhelmed’. It’s that word that I’ve held onto rather than the advice he gave later… ‘You can’t spend your whole life worrying about what other people might think’.

I realised that’s exactly what I do… and a lot of this ‘I don’t fit/they don’t accept me’ angst is stuff that I hold onto and perpetuate…

Sure, they make judgements according to what they know, but if I close them out for fear of what they might think… I’m not really allowing them the opportunity to revise their attitudes towards me... or sexuality or conception…

And if my worst fear is that they won’t see things the same way I do then, so what? Is that really any worse than carrying around all this baggage and nursing all my resentments?

I need to say ‘Look, this is who I am… I’d like to have another child and this is how I’m going to do it. Like it or lump it… I’m going to be honest with Rosie so that I can help her deal head on with any issues that arise at school or with friends. You can choose to come with us on the journey or you can invent some complicated fictions for yourselves and Rosie’s cousins… either way both Rosie and I will continue to be open and truthful to ourselves…‘

Mum, Dad, Jean… I owe you an apology… all this time I’ve been operating on the assumption that you wouldn’t be up for it… Are you?

It strikes me that I've been so busy submitting funding applications that I haven't actually spelt out the nature of 'the project'...

This blog is 'Stage One'. Then there's digital storytelling workshops. And a documentary. And hopefully, finally, a fully-fledged interactive website, complete with complementary game.

In a few weeks I'll be running a 3 day workshop in Adelaide helping parents and kids from the 'Pink Parents' community here shape their family stories into little 1 - 2 minute digi-docs. Eventually they'll feature on a 'Family Values' website - as clickable leaves on a rainbow family tree. If you can't get to a workshop, the site will host all the software and resources to make your own little digi-doc. Upload some stills, record a voice-over narration, drag and drop some music, sound effects and visual motifs into a time-line... et voila!

The digi-docs serve 2 purposes - viewing a diversity of other stories can help us and our kids break down the sense of 'poor fit' that we've all experienced from time to time... and sharing these stories with the wider community (maybe ambivalent members of your extended family, maybe homo-hostile or homo-ignorant members of parliament or the press) can erode conservative social assumptions and moral judgements.

Meanwhile, the linear documentary will follow me (at my self-absorbed and narcissistic best) as I facilitate these workshops and the 'seeding' of the on-line community... Hopefully, somewhere on that time-line, my tummy is also growing fatter and I'm mending bridges with my biological family in anticipation of having a baby...

Does it sound like something you might be interested in watching? Or talking about at the 'water-cooler'?

Stop right there - too passive! Does it sound like something you might like to actually get involved in? Maybe help your kid/donor/grandparent tell the story of how they came to part of a ‘rainbow family’? Maybe share your strategies for overcoming the many obstacles to conception and ‘rainbow family life’?

Well… get active! Subscribe! Post a comment here… then send the blog link to anyone you think might be interested… or anyone who needs a reality check when they talk about ‘family values’…

By the way, I found a great stat - less than 25% of Americans live in a ‘conventional nuclear family’ (consisting of a married heterosexual couple living under the same roof with their biological children).

Williams, Brian; Stacey C. Sawyer, Carl M. Wahlstrom (2005). Marriages, Families & Intimate Relationships. Boston, MA: Pearson. 0-205-36674-0.

So who says we can’t have the family of our heart’s desire?

stills from ‘Rainbow Kids Disco’ @ FEAST 2006

I’ve been keeping records of my cycles for about 9 months now… but sometimes that’s just an asterix against a date in my diary because I can vaguely remember getting my (inconvenient!) period in a nightclub toilet. And so, it seems my cycles are both short (23-26 days) and erratic.

This month - our second ‘go’ - looked like it was going to need to be sometime over Easter. Logistically complicated because of Easter Egg hunts, social commitments… and the fact that D’s new boyfriend was leaving town, so I was kind of conscious of making sure they had some last minute ‘intimate’ time together without needing to stress about ‘bottling it’!

Plus, I was kind of busy getting a funding application together for the cross platform doco (working title ‘Family Values’) so it didn’t occur to me to start doing the wee tests until the day I was expecting to ovulate. Now it seems that I *$##$!! missed it! I kept waiting for the tell-tale cramps and started doing tests three times a day… and then I remembered that suspiciously hormonal pimple that I’d had in the middle of last week… Aagh! That must have been it….

I feel like a wally and a goose.

I’ve made an appointment with a friend’s GP (supportive, dyke-friendly, ex-gyno) for next month… stepping it up to daily blood tests rather than urine, as apparently hormone levels can be guaged far more precisely this way. Course it still doesn’t get round the sheer unpredictability of it… and needing to re-orientate social and childcare plans for 2 or 3 people at the last minute…

I couldn’t keep torturing myself with questions of whether or not to do it. And I know there are no guarantees… I might end up with a devil-baby plagued by cholic, and post-natal depression induced by sleep deprivation… (of course it could all be a dreamy-easy second-time-confidence situation!) but, either way, I want people to be sharing it with. The good and the bad. Not just Rosie. Not just mum and dad.

So I invented ‘fairy god-parents’. They’re special trusted friends, both old and new… people I can lean on and who will be repaid in barrow-loads of love, appreciation and baby vomit.

When I first talked about it… people were flattered and then they asked ‘but what does it really mean?’. I think a few of them might have experienced the silent guilty thought - ‘what’s in it for me?’ (I still don’t know exactly…)

The fact is that I can’t see into the future and having a baby is sailing into unchartered waters. Anything could happen. But I made it clear that each individual could make whatever commitment they wish to… and that it should probably be an organic, variable one - as work commitments change, people have their own kids and lives… and baby’s needs evolve.

Simplest put… it’s an invitation to be part of our family… a pact to ‘come and play!’