Family Values

I am from a family of three parents: a mother and two dads. I decided to make this documentary to not only give the children of same-sex parented families a voice, but to show and express the extent to which same-sex parents and their children are not only excluded, but made to be invisible in environments such as child-care centres and primary and secondary schools. It is not only gay people who suffer discrimination; their families do as well, whether that be their parents, their children or the mother or father of their children. The people who participated in this workshop along side me responded to my story with open recognition, respect, and support, as did those people who have seen the completed material from the workshop. I hope that this documentary will be a step towards the recognition and inclusion of children and their same-sex parents.

Kate’s update: I have recently had more success with my digi-doc - an ex-teacher of mine has agreed to show the documentary at a staff meeting to encourage teachers to be aware of alternative family structures. Study of alternative family structures will also be added to curriculum for the subject Health Studies for year twelves at my old high school. All inspired by my story! Thanks again to Sonja and everyone else who helped me with it…

BLOG update:
Hope you all love Kate’s piece as much as I do… it still brings tears to my eyes when I watch it! And I think the success she has had in ‘getting it out there’ bodes well for the big picture dream of ‘change the world!’

Meanwhile, several people have posed the question: So, you preggers yet?
(Answer: No… we’re waiting out the 3 month turn-around on HIV/Hep C tests and will hopefully start ‘trying’ again in September)

As a result of the question and a couple of other conversations, I’ve realised I’ve been a little circumspect on the blog in the last couple of months… I’ve been so aware of treading carefully through volatile emotional terrain, needing for myself to be honest, and yet hoping as always to not cause offence; making sure everyone’s happy… hoping to ‘be liked’.

I made the mistake of supposing that sweeping generalisations would suffice in place of trying to pin down nuance and subjective complexities… I was trying for a summary that simultaneously embraced an audience of people I don’t know and people who know me very well… I guess it ain’t that surprising that I failed. Some things I have written have been hurtful and for that I need to apologise… both to those who’ve expressed their hurt and those who may still be nursing it…

You see, for me, there’s no such thing as a clean binary opposition between ‘political’ and ‘emotional’… just as there’s not between personal/political; spiritual/philosophical; ideal/real… It’s all just shades of gray… I don’t think I’ve ever used the word ‘complex’ so often as a ‘catch all’!

I realise that the journey I’m asking my friends and family to accompany me on is an extraordinary one… and sometimes, perhaps often, uncomfortable. I found myself trying to sell my Mum on the idea of ‘talking on camera’… “It’s cathartic; therapeutic; profound!” I spruik, “And best still, you get to be a part of something that might just make the world a better place for our kids! I really believe these stories have the power to make a difference!”

All that aside, I guess I have to acknowledge that not everyone needs/wants to sacrifice their privacy for what I perceive to be the ‘greater good’… and the risk I face, in asking them to do so, is that they may elect to take a ‘back seat’ in the baby quest and my life (at least whilst I have a camera trained on it…)
Is that a risk I’m willing to take?

Damien’s blurb:
As a family of two men and two boys, it often seems that people presume it to be axiomatic that we will describe how our family came into being. Yet to us this is most often a redundant question - we know who we are and how we relate to each other. This digidoc captures the complexities of our conception story in subtle ways that render our family visible for us to see, whilst not necessarily telling all of the story that other people might like to see. As such, it celebrates our family in a public way, whilst retaining the privacy that we wish and need.

Damien is an author, academic and the editor of ‘Gay & Lesbian Issues and Psychology Review’. Volume 3 is a special issue on Parenting, family issues and heteronormativity. Download at:
http://www.groups.psychology.org.au/glip/glip_review

He has also recently released a book ‘Becoming Parent : Lesbians Gay Men and Family’. More info at:
http://www.postpressed.com.au/academic/parenting.html

Tanya’s blurb: The piece I made was intended for myself, my partner, my two daughters and my unborn child. It was therapeutic in its creation. A thrilling, exhilarating creative discovery of self expression.
Titled Perpetual Vision, it depicts my life’s journey in trying to conceive and successfully give birth to my biological child.
The feedback from making this has been HUGE! What’s more important to me has been my self development… I can’t recommend this expression of creative FREEDOM enough!

As you can gather, Tanya has become an inspired spokesperson for the digital-storytelling process… not only was it therapeutic in the making, when she’s shown her piece to family and friends, it has opened up a space for meaningful communication and profound sharing of each other’s life experiences.
In a similar vein, there’s currently a letter writing campaign being conducted in Victoria, aimed at motivating media, politicians and power brokers to take up the sweeping reforms recommended by the Victorian Law Reform Commission… (see ‘Love makes a Family’ link on the rhs of this page). I understand the experience has been empowering for all involved - asking child-care workers, grandparents, straight friends etc. to advocate for our families not only helps make us visible and valued… it strengthens our ties with the wider community, giving all of us the sense of connection we so sorely crave…

Witnessing the profound impact we each, individually, have the capacity to make is keeping me motivated! Soldiering on with development of the ‘Family Values’ project, both the digital storytelling component and the doco…

On less philosophical, more practical matters FEAST is hosting a forum in Adelaide this weekend… I’ll be speaking!

Getting In The Family Way
Want to have a baby? Be a parent? Thinking of fostering, co parenting, donating sperm, being part of a family with children? More and more of us are planning to have children and it does take planning! This Forum takes a practical look at what’s involved.
A panel of queer parents share info and experiences on getting pregnant, accessing fertility clinics, DIY, donors, fostering, donor involvement, being a gay Dad, single and non biological parenting, financial and legal issues, dealing with peoples reactions, support services in SA.

Sat 14 July 2 -3.30pm Caos Café 188 Hindley St. or more info at www.feast.org.au
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This is the piece I made for my sister during the digital storytelling workshop. When I showed Mum she cried… select quotes include “This is dynamite!” and “It could tear the family apart!” She said she was worried about the fact that people were identifiable (so I’ve blurred their faces) but she didn’t once address the content. I didn’t really get anywhere in defusing the situation and we finished with Mum saying “Well how did you expect me to react?” I said “I hoped you would be proud… I’m trying to start a positive discussion about it all… to mend some bridges…”

I was terrified about screening it for my sister and it was hard to find a time when the kids weren’t interuppting. I told her about the whole ‘pregnancy quest’ and doco stuff and tried to contextualise Mum’s reaction. Then I showed her everyone else’s piece…
When I finally I showed her mine, she cried… we hugged… she said she was sorry and that she’d had no idea that she’d hurt me. We agreed to ‘find a way to talk to the kids about it…’ That’s the last line in my piece and hopefully the first line in our families ongoing dialogue…

I still feel uncomfortable about being so brutally honest with them in a public space… I wonder how I’d feel if the tables were turned? I’d want the right to respond, but hopefully I’d accept the subjective emotional truth of what was being said. Isn’t that how the healing begins?

Has anyone else experienced stuff like this? How did you/they process it? Does putting it out there - in conversation with friends or in a social context on-line - make it better or worse?