Family Values

Yep… we’re still trying!

We’ve gotten so casual with the awkward logistics of insemination attempts that the latest encounter took place in a caravan! After all, why interrupt holiday plans? We sat around in the annex for a bit drinking and chatting… M visited the toilet block and returned with warm syringe clutched in hand. I retreated to my half of the van (a bed shared with sleeping Rosie) had a quiet orgasm and texted the boys, giving them the all-clear to return.

The weirdest aspect of the whole thing? M whispering ‘Night Son’ from their bed, less than 3 metres away!
H & T, so generous in lending us their van, were stoked to think that this might be the unborn child’s conception story!

Anyone else got some good ones they’d like to share? ; )

R finally won her campaign to have pierced ears in the lead up to Christmas. I think the thing that won me over was her newfound desire ‘to be a rock chick when I grow up!’ (better than a ballerina of a Bratz doll anyday!). So now she has short hair with pink streaks and ONE pierced ear. ‘It’s cool to be different to the other girls, and when someone loses one earring they’ll know just who to give the left over one to!’. My heart swells with pride…

So M bought her the jewellery and I paid for the piercing (a ‘proper one’ with a piercing specialist who, as it happens, is housed within a tattoo gallery). Hmm… I thought, is this us stepping out for the first time, as our ‘family of the future?’

A thought that was soon echoed by the piercer. Charmed by R’s erudite chat, she said ‘You must be very proud!’… presumably referring to M and me as R’s parents. Later R made a comment that revealed her Dad had a girlfriend (and she clearly wasn’t talking about M or me). I could almost see the cogs turning in the woman’s head… and I wondered how many jigsaw pieces she would put in to place. Would she work out that M and I were both gay?

Somehow, in that environment, it didn't really matter... I'm sure she's seen more than a few unconventional relationship configurations… whereas, if a similar conversation had come up in the school yard with people I’ll be running into frequently throughout a prospective (and inexplicable?) pregnancy - I’d like to find a way to clarify. ‘Yes, we are proud, but M’s not her Dad, he’s the donor for R’s yet-to-be conceived sibling…’
Ludicrous? Unnecessary? Or just plain funny?

I guess all that remains ahead of us… anyone else got any ‘coming out for the kids’ stories?

I am from a family of three parents: a mother and two dads. I decided to make this documentary to not only give the children of same-sex parented families a voice, but to show and express the extent to which same-sex parents and their children are not only excluded, but made to be invisible in environments such as child-care centres and primary and secondary schools. It is not only gay people who suffer discrimination; their families do as well, whether that be their parents, their children or the mother or father of their children. The people who participated in this workshop along side me responded to my story with open recognition, respect, and support, as did those people who have seen the completed material from the workshop. I hope that this documentary will be a step towards the recognition and inclusion of children and their same-sex parents.

Kate’s update: I have recently had more success with my digi-doc - an ex-teacher of mine has agreed to show the documentary at a staff meeting to encourage teachers to be aware of alternative family structures. Study of alternative family structures will also be added to curriculum for the subject Health Studies for year twelves at my old high school. All inspired by my story! Thanks again to Sonja and everyone else who helped me with it…

BLOG update:
Hope you all love Kate’s piece as much as I do… it still brings tears to my eyes when I watch it! And I think the success she has had in ‘getting it out there’ bodes well for the big picture dream of ‘change the world!’

Meanwhile, several people have posed the question: So, you preggers yet?
(Answer: No… we’re waiting out the 3 month turn-around on HIV/Hep C tests and will hopefully start ‘trying’ again in September)

As a result of the question and a couple of other conversations, I’ve realised I’ve been a little circumspect on the blog in the last couple of months… I’ve been so aware of treading carefully through volatile emotional terrain, needing for myself to be honest, and yet hoping as always to not cause offence; making sure everyone’s happy… hoping to ‘be liked’.

I made the mistake of supposing that sweeping generalisations would suffice in place of trying to pin down nuance and subjective complexities… I was trying for a summary that simultaneously embraced an audience of people I don’t know and people who know me very well… I guess it ain’t that surprising that I failed. Some things I have written have been hurtful and for that I need to apologise… both to those who’ve expressed their hurt and those who may still be nursing it…

You see, for me, there’s no such thing as a clean binary opposition between ‘political’ and ‘emotional’… just as there’s not between personal/political; spiritual/philosophical; ideal/real… It’s all just shades of gray… I don’t think I’ve ever used the word ‘complex’ so often as a ‘catch all’!

I realise that the journey I’m asking my friends and family to accompany me on is an extraordinary one… and sometimes, perhaps often, uncomfortable. I found myself trying to sell my Mum on the idea of ‘talking on camera’… “It’s cathartic; therapeutic; profound!” I spruik, “And best still, you get to be a part of something that might just make the world a better place for our kids! I really believe these stories have the power to make a difference!”

All that aside, I guess I have to acknowledge that not everyone needs/wants to sacrifice their privacy for what I perceive to be the ‘greater good’… and the risk I face, in asking them to do so, is that they may elect to take a ‘back seat’ in the baby quest and my life (at least whilst I have a camera trained on it…)
Is that a risk I’m willing to take?

So much has happened since I last posted that I’m going to summarise, in no particular order…

- went to Melbourne for Rainbow Families Symposium… got very inspired by all the well-informed, articulate, politically motivated and absolutely committed parents and researchers… now very able to respond to right wing ‘concerns’ over our families with responses informed by academic studies!
- in an effort to ‘gather data’ on ovulation, had 6 blood tests in 7 days… and have track marks to show for it. So weird how someone with my history of ‘experimentation’ should end up so surrounded by needles… at least the acupuncture is going well… - spent a lot of time negotiating with donors, both 'new' and 'old'... and couldn't post on the discussions until I'd cleared everything with both; kind of an ethical responsibility. Up shot is I'm electing to proceed with a very old friend who has an emotional commitment as opposed to the more ‘political commitment’ of my second donor (who will still be a ‘fairy god-parent’). This scenario has got ‘potential complications’ written all over it, and yet it ‘feels right’. I wonder again whether I am in fact a romantic fool in disguise as a cynic?
- dealing with family court phobias in further ongoing mediation. Made the very great leap (due acknowledgments - inspired by some self-development a la ‘Landmark Education’) to forgive ex for the way he’s been treating me… now moving on to possibilities of a more generous and confident/powerful relationship with him. Haven’t told Lawyer yet and am anticipating lots of muttering/tutt-tutting/howls of contemptuous laughter…
- can honestly say I feel liberated by the new ‘be true to thyself’ philosophy… can say/do/post anything and know that, whatever the criticism, I’ll be reconciled with me… realised how much of my life I’ve lived in fear of ‘bad mother/daughter/friend/filmmaker’ accusations… - got friends to lop off my hair on a camping trip... now I look more like the baby-dyke I feel like on the inside... don't appearances have a weird and wacky impact on identity? Meanwhile I finally turned 37 ;-/
- got some funding for the development of the doco/on-line project… not quite as much as we asked for, but a positive endorsement nevertheless and I’ll be able to pay a few people a little for all their labours on the project thus far…
- to come… lots of the digital storytelling participants are happy to upload their pieces so I’ll be posting them over the next couple of weeks - if you register for updates you won’t have to keep checking or wait for my e:mail reminders ; )
- thanks for comments and feedback from both public and private respondents… still curious as to why some of you have chosen to e:mail me privately with general thoughts that other readers may have enjoyed sharing… does anyone have any ideas on further on-line community building strategies we may like to consider if we get to go ahead and build the large scale ‘family tree’ site?

We’ve finished our first digital storytelling workshop! The six pieces we produced are quite extraordinary… there’s a rawness and honesty about them that brings a tear to the eye and, collectively, they have an impact that is even greater than their parts.

The process was quite agonising for the storytellers… exacerbated by the fact that I insisted on documenting the whole journey… Imagine… you’re puzzling through how best to storyboard and script complex ideas and emotions… and you glance up to find a lens trained on you and a boom-pole hanging over your head! Aagh!

Whilst I hate being on camera it's something I've kind of gotten used to (after all I have no-one other than myself to blame!) In my head I had justified the whole extravaganza as a necessary evil.

If we want acceptance of our stories we have to make ourselves visible, right?

Within the stories themselves a theme gradually emerged about how lack of social acceptance causes our families to BECOME INVISIBLE. We want recognition, validation, equality… but why do we have to put ourselves in the spotlight to achieve this?

Several storytellers chose not to label themselves as 'lesbian mum' or 'foster parent' or ‘rainbow family’. After all, other families don't need to carefully select words (or pictures) to identify themselves... Maybe we need to reappropriate In/Visibility?

I realised most of the digi-docs ended up being told without actually identifying all the key players in each story. Various people chose not to be seen (ramifications at work; legal requirements imposed by the foster-care system; a desire to protect your family’s privacy… and of course ’shyness’!) Instead we utilised kids drawings, blurred photos, abstract representations of states of mind… Sometimes what was not said (or shown) was just as important as what was… I was reminded of film theory 101 - ELLIPSIS.

I guess, at the end of the day, it’s about having the power to frame your own reality, whether you’re gay or straight, five years old or sixty five… Bugger ‘difference’ or ’sameness’ - shouldn’t we all have the right to tell our own stories, emphasising the points that are most important to us… showing what we want to reveal?

Isn't it interesting how short digital docos viewed in a virtual-community-web-space grant us the power to do this? This is the stuff that really excites me… (see ‘getting interactive’ for a description of our prospective ‘rainbow family tree’) So crossing fingers, knees and toes that we’re successful in one or two of our many submissions to funding agencies and broadcasters over the last couple of months…

And, BTW… hope to post some of the digital stories from the workshop shortly…

WHO AM I?

Have been pondering the nature of blogging… In my view it’s unadulterated narcissism.

Definition:‘Excessive self-admiration and self-centredness… and an excessive need for admiration’.

Pretty negative? And yet something a whole generation of people raised with ‘digital diaries’ have absolutely zero problem with…

A Wikipedia search for defining characteristics of Gen Y speaks of “lack of privacy; expectation of speaking to an audience even in personal communication; and a familiarity with harsh, anonymous criticism”.1

Maybe they’re onto something? I’ve always struggled with wanting to be liked… wanting to fit… and defining myself according to whom I’m with.

The self-synopsis on the ‘Family Values’ splash page is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write… and I could only pull it off by imagining myself as a ‘character’.

And yet something weird happens when you hit ‘submit’, and send your personal musings out into the ether for public consumption… you start to own yourself… and stop worrying what other people might think… It’s pretty damn obvious that you can’t control that anyway…

So maybe it’s helping me grow into the space inside my skin… it would be kind of cool if I could learn to be myself (whomever that may be? do I care?) before I conceive…

Quest update: I seem to have completely missed a period and yet I’m not pregnant. I have an appointment with a well-regarded GP (has helped other lez friends fall pregnant!) and I’m trying not to stress… and I’m wondering whether I may end up finding my way through one of the ‘loop-holes’ that sometimes allow single queer women to access reproductive services in SA.

More importantly: We start the first of the digital storytelling workshops this weekend with a fantastic group of participants and team of facilitators. Soon we’ll have some 2 minute long digital prototypes for the rainbow family tree!

I’m polishing up that spiel about delving into self-analysis being empowering for the soul! Reclaiming narcissism as we speak!

1. New York Magazine. “Kids, the Internet, and the End of Privacy: The Greatest Generation Gap Since Rock and Roll” 12 February 2007

I wasn’t going to tell them until later… after all I wouldn’t if I was in a straight relationship would I? I’d just be having lots of sex and celebrating our success with them sometime after the first trimester ;-/

But several friends persuaded me that, if I wanted Mum and Dad to be involved in the baby’s life, I should start as I meant to continue, open and honest… after all, what was I scared of?

Basically I was scared that they wouldn’t approve… This is how the conversation went when I eventually told Dad on camera.

Sonja: Well one of the things that I wanted to talk to you about is… I’ve been thinking about it for a long time… and I talked to Mum about it ages ago but I haven’t done recently because she was ‘under-whelmed’ by the idea… is that I’d like to have another child…
Gramps: Mmm. (pause) Well, yes. (pause) That is under-whelming isn’t it?
Sonja: (pause) Well… why? (pause) Why is it under-whelming for you?

Mum refused to talk on camera (a decision I respected) but without the ‘interview’ excuse it was, in fact, quite hard to book a time when the three of us could sit down together and have a meaningful conversation… I explained the whole ‘fairy god-parent’ thing… said I knew their time was already pretty over-committed because they both still work full-time and look after my sister’s kids a fair bit…I wasn’t counting on them but I hoped they’d be involved… Mum accused me of positioning her ‘at the bottom of the ladder’… the conversation got quite tearful… and heated…

I said I’d never felt that they genuinely accepted me… she said I was just ‘too sensitive’. I tried to give them tangible examples…
I said ‘Remember that time my girlfriend came camping with us all at Christmas and you said ‘Fine, as long as you don’t touch one another in front of the kids? Do you think that was OK?’.
She said ‘Well yes, because it’s outside the norm…’
I said ‘Mum, being black or in a wheel chair is also outside the norm! What sort of message do you think you’re sending the kids… Rosie knew we were girlfriends and she didn’t have a problem with it… don’t you think it’s better for her to see me being happy and intimate with someone I love… than being fearful and uptight because some homophobe might have a problem with it?’
She said ‘Are you saying we’re homophobic?…’
I couldn’t even answer straight…
I think I just said ‘Sometimes you behave in a way that makes me feel like I don’t fit…’.
Still, it somehow got turned around into being my problem.

The thing is, I do know they love me… and at the end of the day they’ll be there for me and the kid… but that’s the problem with this sexuality stuff, it’s so goddamn SUBTLE! It’s NOT quite the same as race or gender… because, for me anyway, it’s not something I choose to make overtly visible.