Family Values

The belly is swelling and, at 27 weeks now, R can finally feel the baby kicking 'from the outside'. She's very excited about the prospect of having a little brother and adds new names to the list almost every day... the latest is 'Cous-Cous' which, even she accepts, may be best reserved for special nick-name status.

The ultrasound (at around 22 weeks) was an exciting turning point for all of us. M and R both attended and I'm sure we looked just like every other excited nuclear family. However, the presence of the inevitable video camera gave me license to explain that we wanted to film because 'our family is a little different‘. Nobody cared much but it was important to me that M wasn’t addressed as ‘my husband’ and we all got to be true to our happy selves.

The baby put on a good show, especially in response to R blowing raspberries on my belly, and we saw lots of kicking and stretching action. The sonographer was thorough in checking out the baby’s brain, hoping to eliminate ‘macrocephalus’ which R was born with; a ‘birth defect’ that led to brain surgery at 8 days old and a prognosis of ’severe disability’… fortunately they were overly pessimistic and R is as ‘normal’ as can be!

All seems well with the new bundle... but, let's face it, despite professing not to care, it was an interpretation of what's between the legs that everyone was awaiting with bated breath... And when we finally got a flash of his little willy... we were all delighted! R stated this is because ‘Well I’m a tom-boy… and anyway, boys are just more interesting!‘.

I was pleased because, even though I know it’s all going to be different this time around, ‘boy’ is like a definitive line in the sand. Henceforth, nothing will be the same. Obviously, despite my ongoing railing against ‘biological essentialism’, deep down I must think that parenting a boy will provide new challenges to those I’ve faced with a girl… surely the difference is mostly in the social construction of gender… and the individual personality of each child? That’s what I’d like to believe but I guess we’ll see ; )

Over the last few months I've been having lots of discussions with fairy godparents around 'expectations'. Some of it has been very confronting and hard to hear. A close friend put it something like this: ‘It’s not exactly ‘what’s in it for me?’ but I need to know exactly what you expect and what you’re thinking you’ll give in return… friendship is a two way street you know…’ Further digging revealed, whilst I thought I was making a generous and open-hearted invitation to be part of our family, others had interpreted this as typical of me ‘looking out for myself’. The worst character description was ’self-consumed’… which really stung.

This launched me upon a long period of soul-searching and reflection. Obviously ’self-consumed’ is a criticism that could be levelled at anyone with a BLOG (I mean, really, posting your diary entries in a public space? What makes you think anyone actually cares?). But I started thinking… fundamentally, at the end of the day, aren’t we all motivated primarily by selfish hopes, dreams and desires? Even when we think we’re being generous there’s obviously something in it for us… that warm-fuzzy feeling? Isn’t that a self-sustaining pay-off?

And what’s the difference between being self-reliant (read ’selfish’) and independent? We pay lip service to the importance of ‘looking after ourselves’ and ‘knowing when to ask for help’ but it seems, underneath it all, that might be a bad thing. Then I started thinking maybe it’s about balance… about how much one gives back. I have this notion of myself as being a loyal and good friend… sure, there are times when I take on too many commitments and am not around as often as I maybe should be… but I’m still passionate, ‘in the moment’ and honest, right?

Sometimes, after negotiating the emotional tight-ropes of relationships with daughter, angry-ex, unwell mum, and disapproving sister… I don’t feel like spending the hour between getting child to bed and collapsing into bed myself, making ‘how’re you going’ phone calls. Sometimes I consider myself lucky to strike a balance between ‘working to pay the rent’ and getting the dishes done and clothes washed… When I start making lists of what I’m responsible for I start hearing a familiar little bleating refrain… ‘I’m a single mum… no-one looks after my emotional needs… at least you lot have got someone to give you a snuggle at night!’.
I refuse to feel sorry for myself because this is the path I’ve chosen… but I guess I kind of assumed maybe the rest of the world would cut me a bit of slack. Especially my fairy godparents… #$%^!$!! How much worse is it going to be when I add a sleepless baby to the juggle. Now I’m thinking twice before asking anyone for any kind of support… it’s not exactly the utopian ideal I undertook in constructing the perfect ‘happy family’.

A naive awakening… everyone has expectations and the more people you add to the mix, the more people you need to discuss these expectations with. I thought the only good thing about being single was being unfettered by melodrama… Hmmph!

It seems there’s always strings attached but I guess, at the end of the day, despite everything, it’s a puppet show worth dancing in…

I am from a family of three parents: a mother and two dads. I decided to make this documentary to not only give the children of same-sex parented families a voice, but to show and express the extent to which same-sex parents and their children are not only excluded, but made to be invisible in environments such as child-care centres and primary and secondary schools. It is not only gay people who suffer discrimination; their families do as well, whether that be their parents, their children or the mother or father of their children. The people who participated in this workshop along side me responded to my story with open recognition, respect, and support, as did those people who have seen the completed material from the workshop. I hope that this documentary will be a step towards the recognition and inclusion of children and their same-sex parents.

Kate’s update: I have recently had more success with my digi-doc - an ex-teacher of mine has agreed to show the documentary at a staff meeting to encourage teachers to be aware of alternative family structures. Study of alternative family structures will also be added to curriculum for the subject Health Studies for year twelves at my old high school. All inspired by my story! Thanks again to Sonja and everyone else who helped me with it…

BLOG update:
Hope you all love Kate’s piece as much as I do… it still brings tears to my eyes when I watch it! And I think the success she has had in ‘getting it out there’ bodes well for the big picture dream of ‘change the world!’

Meanwhile, several people have posed the question: So, you preggers yet?
(Answer: No… we’re waiting out the 3 month turn-around on HIV/Hep C tests and will hopefully start ‘trying’ again in September)

As a result of the question and a couple of other conversations, I’ve realised I’ve been a little circumspect on the blog in the last couple of months… I’ve been so aware of treading carefully through volatile emotional terrain, needing for myself to be honest, and yet hoping as always to not cause offence; making sure everyone’s happy… hoping to ‘be liked’.

I made the mistake of supposing that sweeping generalisations would suffice in place of trying to pin down nuance and subjective complexities… I was trying for a summary that simultaneously embraced an audience of people I don’t know and people who know me very well… I guess it ain’t that surprising that I failed. Some things I have written have been hurtful and for that I need to apologise… both to those who’ve expressed their hurt and those who may still be nursing it…

You see, for me, there’s no such thing as a clean binary opposition between ‘political’ and ‘emotional’… just as there’s not between personal/political; spiritual/philosophical; ideal/real… It’s all just shades of gray… I don’t think I’ve ever used the word ‘complex’ so often as a ‘catch all’!

I realise that the journey I’m asking my friends and family to accompany me on is an extraordinary one… and sometimes, perhaps often, uncomfortable. I found myself trying to sell my Mum on the idea of ‘talking on camera’… “It’s cathartic; therapeutic; profound!” I spruik, “And best still, you get to be a part of something that might just make the world a better place for our kids! I really believe these stories have the power to make a difference!”

All that aside, I guess I have to acknowledge that not everyone needs/wants to sacrifice their privacy for what I perceive to be the ‘greater good’… and the risk I face, in asking them to do so, is that they may elect to take a ‘back seat’ in the baby quest and my life (at least whilst I have a camera trained on it…)
Is that a risk I’m willing to take?

WHO AM I?

Have been pondering the nature of blogging… In my view it’s unadulterated narcissism.

Definition:‘Excessive self-admiration and self-centredness… and an excessive need for admiration’.

Pretty negative? And yet something a whole generation of people raised with ‘digital diaries’ have absolutely zero problem with…

A Wikipedia search for defining characteristics of Gen Y speaks of “lack of privacy; expectation of speaking to an audience even in personal communication; and a familiarity with harsh, anonymous criticism”.1

Maybe they’re onto something? I’ve always struggled with wanting to be liked… wanting to fit… and defining myself according to whom I’m with.

The self-synopsis on the ‘Family Values’ splash page is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write… and I could only pull it off by imagining myself as a ‘character’.

And yet something weird happens when you hit ‘submit’, and send your personal musings out into the ether for public consumption… you start to own yourself… and stop worrying what other people might think… It’s pretty damn obvious that you can’t control that anyway…

So maybe it’s helping me grow into the space inside my skin… it would be kind of cool if I could learn to be myself (whomever that may be? do I care?) before I conceive…

Quest update: I seem to have completely missed a period and yet I’m not pregnant. I have an appointment with a well-regarded GP (has helped other lez friends fall pregnant!) and I’m trying not to stress… and I’m wondering whether I may end up finding my way through one of the ‘loop-holes’ that sometimes allow single queer women to access reproductive services in SA.

More importantly: We start the first of the digital storytelling workshops this weekend with a fantastic group of participants and team of facilitators. Soon we’ll have some 2 minute long digital prototypes for the rainbow family tree!

I’m polishing up that spiel about delving into self-analysis being empowering for the soul! Reclaiming narcissism as we speak!

1. New York Magazine. “Kids, the Internet, and the End of Privacy: The Greatest Generation Gap Since Rock and Roll” 12 February 2007

It strikes me that I've been so busy submitting funding applications that I haven't actually spelt out the nature of 'the project'...

This blog is 'Stage One'. Then there's digital storytelling workshops. And a documentary. And hopefully, finally, a fully-fledged interactive website, complete with complementary game.

In a few weeks I'll be running a 3 day workshop in Adelaide helping parents and kids from the 'Pink Parents' community here shape their family stories into little 1 - 2 minute digi-docs. Eventually they'll feature on a 'Family Values' website - as clickable leaves on a rainbow family tree. If you can't get to a workshop, the site will host all the software and resources to make your own little digi-doc. Upload some stills, record a voice-over narration, drag and drop some music, sound effects and visual motifs into a time-line... et voila!

The digi-docs serve 2 purposes - viewing a diversity of other stories can help us and our kids break down the sense of 'poor fit' that we've all experienced from time to time... and sharing these stories with the wider community (maybe ambivalent members of your extended family, maybe homo-hostile or homo-ignorant members of parliament or the press) can erode conservative social assumptions and moral judgements.

Meanwhile, the linear documentary will follow me (at my self-absorbed and narcissistic best) as I facilitate these workshops and the 'seeding' of the on-line community... Hopefully, somewhere on that time-line, my tummy is also growing fatter and I'm mending bridges with my biological family in anticipation of having a baby...

Does it sound like something you might be interested in watching? Or talking about at the 'water-cooler'?

Stop right there - too passive! Does it sound like something you might like to actually get involved in? Maybe help your kid/donor/grandparent tell the story of how they came to part of a ‘rainbow family’? Maybe share your strategies for overcoming the many obstacles to conception and ‘rainbow family life’?

Well… get active! Subscribe! Post a comment here… then send the blog link to anyone you think might be interested… or anyone who needs a reality check when they talk about ‘family values’…

By the way, I found a great stat - less than 25% of Americans live in a ‘conventional nuclear family’ (consisting of a married heterosexual couple living under the same roof with their biological children).

Williams, Brian; Stacey C. Sawyer, Carl M. Wahlstrom (2005). Marriages, Families & Intimate Relationships. Boston, MA: Pearson. 0-205-36674-0.

So who says we can’t have the family of our heart’s desire?

stills from ‘Rainbow Kids Disco’ @ FEAST 2006