Family Values

I must admit that I’m surprised by the number of people who’ve chastised me about my lack of regular blog updates - it’s really nice to know people care and I have no REAL excuse …but, in my defence, it has been a busy couple of months ; ) Trying to get my family and local community to a place where they will be ‘OK’ with this baby-to-be…

First of all, and most importantly I AM STILL PREGNANT!
14 weeks to be precise. After debating pros and cons for a little while I've decided to employ an independent midwife (the gorgeous Lisa!) and prepare for a homebirth. To be honest, my biggest concerns were about how I could persuade friends and family that this was a safe and sensible option (especially given that Rosie was born by caesar). I did some ‘defensive’ research, before finally experiencing a ‘lightbulb’ moment… ‘It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks because this is my decision!’. It’s very liberating to remember that, this time, I get to do it all on my terms… Scary too, because, by nature I’m a ‘consult and collaborate’ kind of person… and I still keep coming up against this desperate need, deep within, to be liked, accepted, approved of… which leads me to the next part of my tale…

An unfortunate disagreement
A few weeks after telling my family that I was finally pregnant, I made a date to go and have a chat with my sister about it all (on camera, inevitably). Her boys are often here at Mum and Dad’s (in the other half of the house) and I’d been trying to avoid contact between Rosie and them because I figured Rosie, in her excitement, would blurt the news… Out of respect for J&G I thought they should have the first opportunity to explain to their kids (in whatever manner they saw fit) so I was wanting to know when and how they were going to tell.

Turns out they already had, and that the news was received without so much as a raised eyebrow (apparently the next question after the announcement was ‘Could you pass the sauce please?). We laughed together and I was relieved… however as the conversation unfolded I realised all was not well…

J admitted they do limit contact between me and the boys ‘for fear of what I might say’. I was shocked! I asked what I could possibly say that could damage them in any way? I admitted my new resolve to live more openly and honestly could mean that, if it came up, I WOULD acknowledge that I am ‘gay’ and that our new baby was conceived with the help of a sperm donor. Is that a problem? Apparently so…
Things started to get a bit heated at about this point and I said I didn't think that they were really demonstrating tolerance, let alone love. She disagrees.

I'm struggling here, because in saying to their kids ‘Aunty Son is choosing to have a baby outside marriage, but WE don’t think that’s what God wants for US’, they’re clearly making me wrong and them right. Not great for me, Rosie or the new baby…

I asked whether they would ever consider coming to see a Pastor of a same-sex friendly parish with me, hoping that they might see that it IS possible to reconcile Christian Faith with acceptance of diverse sexualities. She was disdainful: ‘We would NEVER go and see a HOMOSEXUAL Pastor!’. We agreed to disagree and both committed to ‘trying to make it work’… but I must admit that I walked away from this encounter wondering whether, we as an extended family, are really are going to ‘make it’.

I mean, god forbid, what would happen if I actually had a girlfriend? Obviously we wouldn’t be welcome at family events… and I wonder whether a ‘do not cross’ line would be drawn between Mum’s house and mine (difficult when we’re under the same roof and the boys are drawn magnetically to my backyard and Rosie’s cubby-house).

You’ll go to Hell!
As a kind of epilogue to this story: Rosie, the boys and I are sitting down at Mum and Dad’s table to share the weekend favourite, ‘chicken and chips’. The middle cousin (nearly 5) says Rosie has to pray before eating and I respond (quietly, calmly) that she doesn’t. ‘How come?’. ‘Because we don’t believe in God’. Quick as a flash: ‘You’ll go to hell!’.

What can one say, other than (gritted teeth): ‘Actually, WE don’t believe in hell’?

Wins and Losses
Rosie’s class were doing a unit on ‘families’ and it was an opportunity I couldn’t resist. I plucked up my courage and made an appointment with the Principal and Vice-Principal. To my delight they were happy to include the ‘Rainbow Family Readers’ http://www.hotkey.net.au/~learn_to_include/ as part of a curriculum inclusive of diverse family structures.
Of course, I HAD to push it a bit more and asked if they’d allow us to film a little scene of me reading the books to the kids. The Principal cleared it with the Department of Education and we agreed that the easiest approach would be for me to ’shoulder tap’ a couple of sympathetic parents, and get permission for their kids to be involved in a small ’set-up’ group for filming. This meant phone calls, written notes and laborious explanations - I chose people I thought of as friends even if I wasn’t entirely ‘out’ to them all. It wasn’t an easy week, explaining it all over and over, unsure of the reaction at the other end of the phone.

To my horror I had 3 ‘no thanks’ out of 11. One dad said ‘it doesn’t sit well with our personal values’. Another rang the school to ask why they weren’t informed that ‘these materials’ were being utilised in the classroom without parents being notified. The Principal backed me up and put the whole thing in context (I wasn’t going to be discussing procreation and conception just re-reading age-appropriate picture books that were part of a diverse and inclusive curriculum).

Some would say 3 negatives was actually pretty good (and I DID get lots of positive feedback: ‘Good on you! I think what you’re doing is great!) but I have to emphasise that I had thought of ALL of these people as my friends - I didn’t even approach those that I thought might be a little more on the ‘conservative’ end of the spectrum! It felt like a kick in the guts at the time… but it was also another ‘call to action!’

That’s so Gay!
I set off for a conference in Sydney, called ‘That’s so Gay! : addressing homophobia and celebrating diversity in educational settings’. We filmed a stack of interviews and I got to meet Vicki, Brenna and Jackie, the family behind the Rainbow Family readers and the more recent ‘Playschool Fiasco’. For those that don’t remember: a few years ago there was an innocuous ‘through the widow’ segment on ‘Playschool’ that generated a huge media backlash and national moral panic.

Vicki and Jackie were filmed taking Brenna and her friend to a fun-fair. Brenna’s voice-over announced ‘This is me and my 2 mums’… In response John Howard denounced the ABC for pushing gay agendas onto children. Affrica Taylor spoke at the conference giving an excellent keynote analysis of this incident and others in which the innocence of children is foregrounded in order to disguise and generate homophobic hysteria.

I was utterly inspired by the commitment and courage of so many educators, students, parents, activists and policy-makers… maybe there IS a possibility of weeding out insidious homophobia, roots and all… imagine my chagrine (and I must admit, amusement) when the headline in the Daily Tele the next day trumpets ‘Mum and Gay Ban - gay bid to change behaviour in class’. The push of the article framed the NSW Director-General of Education, Michael Coutts-Trotter as leader of a campaign to suppress usage of terms like ‘boyfriend’, ‘girlfriend’, ‘mum’, ‘dad’ in favour of the more gender neutral ‘partner’ and ‘parent’.

Never have I been so closely involved with something so distorted by spin… NOTHING along these lines was ever said… and more to the point, if the journo had actually attended the conference, he would have had time to reflect upon the homophobic impact of running such hysterical smear-campaigns… Guess he must have missed the speakers who elaborated on the high numbers of ’same-sex attracted’ youth experiencing depression, homelessness, drug abuse and suicide attempts.

So that's about all for now... the photos are from a Pink Parents camping trip at McLaren Vale recently. Fairy Godparent Claire gives Rosie a skating lesson... There's something about the 'gearing up for battle' that I empathise with... And, no matter how many times she stumbles and falls, Rosie's tenacity inspires me... I share her triumph when she succeeds.

Yay! for our little queer family, bring it on!
And BTW, the doco is going to be called
‘Bent Not Broken’…

Apparently I’m pregnant!

Already so different to last time. After recovering from a bout of mild gastro (courtesy of Rosie) I was still tired and nauseous. And overdue. But I couldn’t do the test until I organised somebody to film it (thank god for K!)
Then, almost because we’re filming it and because I had to tell somebody other than the camera, it seems natural to tell Rosie and mum, all at once.

Rosie was beside herself with excitement (she’s planning to save her pocket money for a cot! WTF?) and Mum was bemused…

I hadn't quite thought through the inevitable reality that Rosie would tell absolutely EVERYBODY at school... I had a moment of panic thinking 'God! I'll have a lot of talking to do should this not last...' swept aside by Rosie's enthusiasm and my utter relief at finally being able to talk about it, finally...
Oodles of opportunities to out myself and lots of gleeful moments witnessing people's reactions.

The best was a school dad, delighted that I'd obviously found a new partner. When I explained about my old friend and sperm donor, he made a quick recovery: ‘Guess you don’t need us fellas anymore!’
I’m still processing my reaction. Is M not a fella because he’s gay? Am I some weird new species because I intend to raise a child without a ‘husband’… just as I have done as a single mum? ‘Yes!’ I hear him say ‘But that was an accidental failure of a (nice, normal) heterosexual relationship!’

As I reacquaint myself with the waves of anxiety that I remember from last time (what if I miscarry? what if the baby’s not healthy?) I’m also bathing in a sea of calm (hormones?) because there’s nothing I can do about anything…
There’s such gorgeous inevitability in pregnancy and birth, whereas the uncertainty around endless conception attempts was starting to wear me down…

It still feels a bit surreal and I guess it will for a while (another 36 weeks?) but at least Mum’s starting to get her head into it. She’s announced that it really won’t do to house the baby in a walk-in-robe, even temporarily… and will I be getting rid of the water bed? I mentioned that I’d like to investigate the possibility of a home/hospital mid-wife and she took a deep disapproving breath.

Here the journey begins… new stages of relationships with mother, daughter, donor-dad… I can’t believe it! Bring it on!

I used to wonder what 2ww meant… but it didn’t take long hanging around blog communities to get it… especially the ones that I’m attracted to.

The average ‘lesbian trying to get pregnant’ blog, charts a fairly typical journey through the angst of finding a donor, the trials and tribulations of ‘fessing up to families-of-origin’… the drama and/or relief when they’re either cool with it or completely over-the-top ‘end of civilisation as we know it’ homophobes. And then of course, the hope and disappointment cycle as one organises inseminations, candles, magical incantations or reckless drunkenness, followed by THE TWO WEEK WAIT.

It’s a great comfort to know I’m not the only one undertaking this peculiar quest.

So, I just got visited by ‘Auntie Flo’ (is that the polite old-fashioned euphemism?) AGAIN!

I was so hopeful this time round… several auspicious indicators - a full moon in Gemini and MUCH more importantly, election fever followed by euphoria… so interesting that a change of government could mean so many things to so many people! At the FEAST Picnic (wrap up of Adelaide Gay and Lesbian Cultural Festival) on post-election Sunday, there was a feeling of such optimism and camaraderie… even as we held our collective breath waiting to see who would have balance of power in the Senate… That night I drove home, precious cargo keeping warm in a jar between my legs, thinking this could be it!

IMAGINE! Being able to say you were conceived at such a historic juncture in Australian history… I remember being heavily pregnant with Rosie, unable to sleep, watching late night TV, channel flicking and wondering what mock-u-drama event was featuring planes flying into tall buildings in the US? Behold how the world has changed!

However, it seems, not ‘meant to be’. No rhyme or reason to it… only try, try again. And endless other cliches. This picture of Rosie, pinned up by my bed, keeps me inspired. Even back then, just shy of 2, she seemed to understand ‘go with the flow’.

In other breaking news... I've optimistically re-newed my membership on 'The Pink Sofa'. However, the fact that I struggle to find the enthusiasm to reply to 'smiles' (let alone send my own) makes me question the authenticity of my desire to re-acquaint myself with love. Would a spark of sexual interest be too much to ask for? How about a puppy-love crush? I must confess… I do have ONE date lined up that I’m trying to not get too excited about… so, like everything else, we’ll see ; )

I seem to have done a lot of waiting and wishing this year… so I’m wondering if the Christmas Fairy might bring me something from my list, in no particular order?

…a bill of good health for my Mum …a baby …true love …production funding for a doco and web-site …amicable co-parenting of the gorgeous child that I already have…

And maybe the only thing that matters? The capacity to find peace in the status quo… the talent of being in the moment… thereby ending ALL waiting including the 2ww once and for all!

I am from a family of three parents: a mother and two dads. I decided to make this documentary to not only give the children of same-sex parented families a voice, but to show and express the extent to which same-sex parents and their children are not only excluded, but made to be invisible in environments such as child-care centres and primary and secondary schools. It is not only gay people who suffer discrimination; their families do as well, whether that be their parents, their children or the mother or father of their children. The people who participated in this workshop along side me responded to my story with open recognition, respect, and support, as did those people who have seen the completed material from the workshop. I hope that this documentary will be a step towards the recognition and inclusion of children and their same-sex parents.

Kate’s update: I have recently had more success with my digi-doc - an ex-teacher of mine has agreed to show the documentary at a staff meeting to encourage teachers to be aware of alternative family structures. Study of alternative family structures will also be added to curriculum for the subject Health Studies for year twelves at my old high school. All inspired by my story! Thanks again to Sonja and everyone else who helped me with it…

BLOG update:
Hope you all love Kate’s piece as much as I do… it still brings tears to my eyes when I watch it! And I think the success she has had in ‘getting it out there’ bodes well for the big picture dream of ‘change the world!’

Meanwhile, several people have posed the question: So, you preggers yet?
(Answer: No… we’re waiting out the 3 month turn-around on HIV/Hep C tests and will hopefully start ‘trying’ again in September)

As a result of the question and a couple of other conversations, I’ve realised I’ve been a little circumspect on the blog in the last couple of months… I’ve been so aware of treading carefully through volatile emotional terrain, needing for myself to be honest, and yet hoping as always to not cause offence; making sure everyone’s happy… hoping to ‘be liked’.

I made the mistake of supposing that sweeping generalisations would suffice in place of trying to pin down nuance and subjective complexities… I was trying for a summary that simultaneously embraced an audience of people I don’t know and people who know me very well… I guess it ain’t that surprising that I failed. Some things I have written have been hurtful and for that I need to apologise… both to those who’ve expressed their hurt and those who may still be nursing it…

You see, for me, there’s no such thing as a clean binary opposition between ‘political’ and ‘emotional’… just as there’s not between personal/political; spiritual/philosophical; ideal/real… It’s all just shades of gray… I don’t think I’ve ever used the word ‘complex’ so often as a ‘catch all’!

I realise that the journey I’m asking my friends and family to accompany me on is an extraordinary one… and sometimes, perhaps often, uncomfortable. I found myself trying to sell my Mum on the idea of ‘talking on camera’… “It’s cathartic; therapeutic; profound!” I spruik, “And best still, you get to be a part of something that might just make the world a better place for our kids! I really believe these stories have the power to make a difference!”

All that aside, I guess I have to acknowledge that not everyone needs/wants to sacrifice their privacy for what I perceive to be the ‘greater good’… and the risk I face, in asking them to do so, is that they may elect to take a ‘back seat’ in the baby quest and my life (at least whilst I have a camera trained on it…)
Is that a risk I’m willing to take?

So much has happened since I last posted that I’m going to summarise, in no particular order…

- went to Melbourne for Rainbow Families Symposium… got very inspired by all the well-informed, articulate, politically motivated and absolutely committed parents and researchers… now very able to respond to right wing ‘concerns’ over our families with responses informed by academic studies!
- in an effort to ‘gather data’ on ovulation, had 6 blood tests in 7 days… and have track marks to show for it. So weird how someone with my history of ‘experimentation’ should end up so surrounded by needles… at least the acupuncture is going well… - spent a lot of time negotiating with donors, both 'new' and 'old'... and couldn't post on the discussions until I'd cleared everything with both; kind of an ethical responsibility. Up shot is I'm electing to proceed with a very old friend who has an emotional commitment as opposed to the more ‘political commitment’ of my second donor (who will still be a ‘fairy god-parent’). This scenario has got ‘potential complications’ written all over it, and yet it ‘feels right’. I wonder again whether I am in fact a romantic fool in disguise as a cynic?
- dealing with family court phobias in further ongoing mediation. Made the very great leap (due acknowledgments - inspired by some self-development a la ‘Landmark Education’) to forgive ex for the way he’s been treating me… now moving on to possibilities of a more generous and confident/powerful relationship with him. Haven’t told Lawyer yet and am anticipating lots of muttering/tutt-tutting/howls of contemptuous laughter…
- can honestly say I feel liberated by the new ‘be true to thyself’ philosophy… can say/do/post anything and know that, whatever the criticism, I’ll be reconciled with me… realised how much of my life I’ve lived in fear of ‘bad mother/daughter/friend/filmmaker’ accusations… - got friends to lop off my hair on a camping trip... now I look more like the baby-dyke I feel like on the inside... don't appearances have a weird and wacky impact on identity? Meanwhile I finally turned 37 ;-/
- got some funding for the development of the doco/on-line project… not quite as much as we asked for, but a positive endorsement nevertheless and I’ll be able to pay a few people a little for all their labours on the project thus far…
- to come… lots of the digital storytelling participants are happy to upload their pieces so I’ll be posting them over the next couple of weeks - if you register for updates you won’t have to keep checking or wait for my e:mail reminders ; )
- thanks for comments and feedback from both public and private respondents… still curious as to why some of you have chosen to e:mail me privately with general thoughts that other readers may have enjoyed sharing… does anyone have any ideas on further on-line community building strategies we may like to consider if we get to go ahead and build the large scale ‘family tree’ site?

We’ve finished our first digital storytelling workshop! The six pieces we produced are quite extraordinary… there’s a rawness and honesty about them that brings a tear to the eye and, collectively, they have an impact that is even greater than their parts.

The process was quite agonising for the storytellers… exacerbated by the fact that I insisted on documenting the whole journey… Imagine… you’re puzzling through how best to storyboard and script complex ideas and emotions… and you glance up to find a lens trained on you and a boom-pole hanging over your head! Aagh!

Whilst I hate being on camera it's something I've kind of gotten used to (after all I have no-one other than myself to blame!) In my head I had justified the whole extravaganza as a necessary evil.

If we want acceptance of our stories we have to make ourselves visible, right?

Within the stories themselves a theme gradually emerged about how lack of social acceptance causes our families to BECOME INVISIBLE. We want recognition, validation, equality… but why do we have to put ourselves in the spotlight to achieve this?

Several storytellers chose not to label themselves as 'lesbian mum' or 'foster parent' or ‘rainbow family’. After all, other families don't need to carefully select words (or pictures) to identify themselves... Maybe we need to reappropriate In/Visibility?

I realised most of the digi-docs ended up being told without actually identifying all the key players in each story. Various people chose not to be seen (ramifications at work; legal requirements imposed by the foster-care system; a desire to protect your family’s privacy… and of course ’shyness’!) Instead we utilised kids drawings, blurred photos, abstract representations of states of mind… Sometimes what was not said (or shown) was just as important as what was… I was reminded of film theory 101 - ELLIPSIS.

I guess, at the end of the day, it’s about having the power to frame your own reality, whether you’re gay or straight, five years old or sixty five… Bugger ‘difference’ or ’sameness’ - shouldn’t we all have the right to tell our own stories, emphasising the points that are most important to us… showing what we want to reveal?

Isn't it interesting how short digital docos viewed in a virtual-community-web-space grant us the power to do this? This is the stuff that really excites me… (see ‘getting interactive’ for a description of our prospective ‘rainbow family tree’) So crossing fingers, knees and toes that we’re successful in one or two of our many submissions to funding agencies and broadcasters over the last couple of months…

And, BTW… hope to post some of the digital stories from the workshop shortly…

WHO AM I?

Have been pondering the nature of blogging… In my view it’s unadulterated narcissism.

Definition:‘Excessive self-admiration and self-centredness… and an excessive need for admiration’.

Pretty negative? And yet something a whole generation of people raised with ‘digital diaries’ have absolutely zero problem with…

A Wikipedia search for defining characteristics of Gen Y speaks of “lack of privacy; expectation of speaking to an audience even in personal communication; and a familiarity with harsh, anonymous criticism”.1

Maybe they’re onto something? I’ve always struggled with wanting to be liked… wanting to fit… and defining myself according to whom I’m with.

The self-synopsis on the ‘Family Values’ splash page is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write… and I could only pull it off by imagining myself as a ‘character’.

And yet something weird happens when you hit ‘submit’, and send your personal musings out into the ether for public consumption… you start to own yourself… and stop worrying what other people might think… It’s pretty damn obvious that you can’t control that anyway…

So maybe it’s helping me grow into the space inside my skin… it would be kind of cool if I could learn to be myself (whomever that may be? do I care?) before I conceive…

Quest update: I seem to have completely missed a period and yet I’m not pregnant. I have an appointment with a well-regarded GP (has helped other lez friends fall pregnant!) and I’m trying not to stress… and I’m wondering whether I may end up finding my way through one of the ‘loop-holes’ that sometimes allow single queer women to access reproductive services in SA.

More importantly: We start the first of the digital storytelling workshops this weekend with a fantastic group of participants and team of facilitators. Soon we’ll have some 2 minute long digital prototypes for the rainbow family tree!

I’m polishing up that spiel about delving into self-analysis being empowering for the soul! Reclaiming narcissism as we speak!

1. New York Magazine. “Kids, the Internet, and the End of Privacy: The Greatest Generation Gap Since Rock and Roll” 12 February 2007

Transcribing an interview with Dad last night… When I first told him I’d like to have another child he said he was ‘underwhelmed’. It’s that word that I’ve held onto rather than the advice he gave later… ‘You can’t spend your whole life worrying about what other people might think’.

I realised that’s exactly what I do… and a lot of this ‘I don’t fit/they don’t accept me’ angst is stuff that I hold onto and perpetuate…

Sure, they make judgements according to what they know, but if I close them out for fear of what they might think… I’m not really allowing them the opportunity to revise their attitudes towards me... or sexuality or conception…

And if my worst fear is that they won’t see things the same way I do then, so what? Is that really any worse than carrying around all this baggage and nursing all my resentments?

I need to say ‘Look, this is who I am… I’d like to have another child and this is how I’m going to do it. Like it or lump it… I’m going to be honest with Rosie so that I can help her deal head on with any issues that arise at school or with friends. You can choose to come with us on the journey or you can invent some complicated fictions for yourselves and Rosie’s cousins… either way both Rosie and I will continue to be open and truthful to ourselves…‘

Mum, Dad, Jean… I owe you an apology… all this time I’ve been operating on the assumption that you wouldn’t be up for it… Are you?

I’ve been keeping records of my cycles for about 9 months now… but sometimes that’s just an asterix against a date in my diary because I can vaguely remember getting my (inconvenient!) period in a nightclub toilet. And so, it seems my cycles are both short (23-26 days) and erratic.

This month - our second ‘go’ - looked like it was going to need to be sometime over Easter. Logistically complicated because of Easter Egg hunts, social commitments… and the fact that D’s new boyfriend was leaving town, so I was kind of conscious of making sure they had some last minute ‘intimate’ time together without needing to stress about ‘bottling it’!

Plus, I was kind of busy getting a funding application together for the cross platform doco (working title ‘Family Values’) so it didn’t occur to me to start doing the wee tests until the day I was expecting to ovulate. Now it seems that I *$##$!! missed it! I kept waiting for the tell-tale cramps and started doing tests three times a day… and then I remembered that suspiciously hormonal pimple that I’d had in the middle of last week… Aagh! That must have been it….

I feel like a wally and a goose.

I’ve made an appointment with a friend’s GP (supportive, dyke-friendly, ex-gyno) for next month… stepping it up to daily blood tests rather than urine, as apparently hormone levels can be guaged far more precisely this way. Course it still doesn’t get round the sheer unpredictability of it… and needing to re-orientate social and childcare plans for 2 or 3 people at the last minute…

I couldn’t keep torturing myself with questions of whether or not to do it. And I know there are no guarantees… I might end up with a devil-baby plagued by cholic, and post-natal depression induced by sleep deprivation… (of course it could all be a dreamy-easy second-time-confidence situation!) but, either way, I want people to be sharing it with. The good and the bad. Not just Rosie. Not just mum and dad.

So I invented ‘fairy god-parents’. They’re special trusted friends, both old and new… people I can lean on and who will be repaid in barrow-loads of love, appreciation and baby vomit.

When I first talked about it… people were flattered and then they asked ‘but what does it really mean?’. I think a few of them might have experienced the silent guilty thought - ‘what’s in it for me?’ (I still don’t know exactly…)

The fact is that I can’t see into the future and having a baby is sailing into unchartered waters. Anything could happen. But I made it clear that each individual could make whatever commitment they wish to… and that it should probably be an organic, variable one - as work commitments change, people have their own kids and lives… and baby’s needs evolve.

Simplest put… it’s an invitation to be part of our family… a pact to ‘come and play!’